Classic Commitment Phobia

It wasn’t me last time. Maybe it never was me.

For more than a year of mostly online dating, I’ve wondered why the guys have run away. I’ve wondered why I didn’t get asked out after the first date when it seemed we had a terrific time. I wondered why just when things seemed to be going really well, the guy would vanish.
I assume it was me. That I said or did something wrong. Or that I didn’t say or do something right. That my clothes were wrong. My age was wrong. My personality was wrong. That somehow, I was not enough. Maybe I simply sucked at dating. It has been a while, after all.

Now I have an answer that has eluded me all this time: I’ve been attracting “commitmentphobes.” I didn’t even know there was such a term, but after reading “Why Men Can’t Love” by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, it has become so much clearer. (Not that I would have been the perfect woman for each of these men; unlikely.)

I am not the only woman who has suffered an egregious loss of self-esteem, self-respect, and trust in the ability to create a healthy relationship with a guy. The stories are legion: How could we have been so foolish? How could something so good suddenly turn so sour?

Case study: a classic case of commitmentphobia. The guy breaks up with the most fantastic woman because he can't commit further, even though they've been in a committed relationship for two years. He can't stay; he can't leave. The woman is devastated; she thought they were headed for permanence. As she tried to pull away, he calls, he texts, he wants to get together "like before, but without the sex."

Ah, because sex would imply commitment. So they pal around, and she finally tells him it hurts too much to do this. He waits a week, calls, says he is so sad. She coolly asks why. He finally admits he misses her.

He doesn't want to commit -- he just wants her to make him feel better!

Girls -- are we done with caretaking the guy's feelings, especially after he breaks up with us???

Even though the clues are there, we see what we want to see. We like being swept off our feet. We are on our best behavior – often walking on eggshells to create the best impression, which usually means we don’t probe, we don’t ask questions that would give us insights into whether this man is good material for us (e.g., why did he marry and divorce three times?). We go out of our way to be pleasing, smiling, accommodating, self-effacing.

Heaven forbid we should make demands or cause stress, the greatest of which would be, after a certain amount of time together, talking about monogamous commitment. So instead we give up pieces of our lives, forgoing our own plans and activities to be available, to say yes, to be the woman he says he wants. We wrap our lives around his, and then when he gets itchy, we fall apart.

We gave ourselves away to a fantasy.

Time to wake up! Do you need more proof? Here’s an online post (no, I didn’t answer it) stating what this gorgeous hunk is looking for in a woman. “A women who isn’t uptight ... have a li’l wild side but has to be beautiful ... someone to have a li’l fun with and laugh with and don’t have to worry about having a relationship ... someone who knows what she wants ...”

Wow. Classic player, classic hiding information about oneself. The clues that he is gonna break your heart are all over the place. It’s fine if we only want to play – and it’s OK to want that! – I’m just saying, if we expect more, if we ignore what he has clearly stated, then we will get hurt.

Often the guy in person will also say these things, but we don’t hear it. We are physically and sexually attracted. We are lonely. We want out of the house. We think a little is better than nothing. We don’t know our worth because we have settled so often, thinking there is nothing else out there but this one.

Don’t do it, ladies – don’t settle. We are worth so much more than this. If we want relationship, even if we want more than one relationship, each one should be worthy of our time and energy.

And it’s good to finally be able to say that.