I’ve been discovering lately how to be myself, not just with guys but with everyone. It’s a huge shift: In order to be myself, I have to know myself. And to truly know myself, I have to look in all the nooks and crannies.
I don’t always like what I find there.
Yet when I do discover things about myself, whether it is what people like about me or what I fear they don’t, then I am more able to relax and, well, be myself. Stop criticizing and judging my behavior, stop wondering if I am saying or doing the right things to make people happy or give them what they want. Just enjoying the moment: Being present. And I can’t be present if I’m not myself.
Because ultimately, each person’s life can only be about himself or herself. Life isn’t an energy that can be used to live anyone else’s life. You can only live your own. And that necessitates learning whose programming you are operating off of, and working consciously transform it so that your life is truly your own -- and you are free to be who you truly are. That's where life really exists -- in those spaces between who we think we are and who we want to be.
It's a daunting risk: To really be free, to cultivate inner freedom and self-knowledge. To discover and let go of what isn't really nourishing us.
The late great Irish poet and philosopher John O’Donohue said, so liltingly perfect, that the way we see things makes them what they are: We create our own prisons with our perceptions. We limit ourselves with closed vision. And one way we do that is with our beliefs and thoughts about our self-image.
”Who am I?” is perhaps the most universal and existential question possible. And I’m not going to answer it here lmao. What I do know is that as we age, the answer changes. It opens up the more we understand what our real values are, and live as close to them as possible. That’s important in terms of personal morality, but I’m speaking more of the effect it has on our health and energy. It is true that the closer we live to who we truly are, to our deepest values that are not imposed by society, religion, family, or fear, then we have more energy and are in life’s flow effortlessly.
What does this have to do with relationships? Everything. I am discovering that the more I am in alignment with my values – the more I know myself and honor who I am, moles and all – the more relaxed and open to life I am. As for dating, when I'm just being myself, then I'm not caretaking a guy's feelings or walking on eggshells to protect myself against possible rejection. When I am authentic, I take the risk being wholly myself -- then no matter what happens, I am joyful and playful and alive. It isn't results I'm after, but just simply being here as me.
Recently one online fellow asked, when I said I wasn’t interested in marrying, “Then what do you want from me?” And I realized the answer was: nothing. I didn’t want anything. I feel content within myself. I don’t need a guy to complete me, because you can never complete another person. Enhance, yes, but not complete. You cannot make anyone else happy.
How can you be true to yourself if you don't know who you are? You can't. And it's no use trying to be someone you aren't, in order to attract men. You'll wind up with the wrong men.
Now I get it.
Friday, June 12, 2009
LOL -- Losers OnLine?
Sometimes life just sends you a blog. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy.
A month ago I joined match.com because some dear friends met and matched that way, and have been urging me in that direction. So far it’s been pretty awful, especially since I actually am not looking for anyone or anything right now dating-wise. But the hits just keep on coming.
Got this one today — and I am not making it up.
“How is being a widow? I love hanging around my house and not really going anywhere too far - not good if I left my house for too long with two teenagers, both of whom have many, many friends. So, basically, I not into moving around at this point...if you are interested in pretty much doing nothing much - close to where I live, then I'm someone you might be interested in...and if you like travel...forget it - it's not me. I'd rather sit around, drink beer, smoke (cigarettes or pot) and relax...which my income allows me to do with quite extravagence...and don't count on me to spend too much....I'm frugal. I've found trying to lie about yourself on this website just ain't going to cut it and I'd be wasting my time, and yours, if I didn't tell it like I live it. Honesty is the best policy and much like Pinocio, lies just grow like a wooden nose. Maybe I threw away money ($60 - wow) but someone out there might understand how it's just right to be truthful.”
I appreciate his honesty, but feel sorry for the woman who is so desperate for male companionship that she will give up any excitement, care, adventure, and decent health just to be in the presence of a male body. I don't know if this guy wants sex, someone to smoke with, or someone to wipe off the couch after he farts and drools and eats Campbell's tomato soup out of a can, but I can't see him getting too many dates out of this profile.
On the other hand, I think this older guy is the role model for this younger one:
"hy im michael by the way im 20 and im i just want a friend in my life most people reject me all the time and dont give me a chance to be my friend or understand me at all so im looking for a older waomon to be my freind and understand me im here for freinds only nothing serious at all so understand that im not here to hurt anyone just friends only i like rock music and i like to play guitar and my life is muisc so let me know if you want to share that kind of topic with me and another my mother left me when i was 2 and it broke my heart and ever sence i liked older woamon and not younger woamon beacause i trut older more than younger so hope you get back to me soon and have a nice day michael"
Is honesty the best policy for online dating? I can see it now, like some movie starring Will Ferrell. Hey, now that’s an idea – wonder if I could turn this LOL thing into a screenplay?
A month ago I joined match.com because some dear friends met and matched that way, and have been urging me in that direction. So far it’s been pretty awful, especially since I actually am not looking for anyone or anything right now dating-wise. But the hits just keep on coming.
Got this one today — and I am not making it up.
“How is being a widow? I love hanging around my house and not really going anywhere too far - not good if I left my house for too long with two teenagers, both of whom have many, many friends. So, basically, I not into moving around at this point...if you are interested in pretty much doing nothing much - close to where I live, then I'm someone you might be interested in...and if you like travel...forget it - it's not me. I'd rather sit around, drink beer, smoke (cigarettes or pot) and relax...which my income allows me to do with quite extravagence...and don't count on me to spend too much....I'm frugal. I've found trying to lie about yourself on this website just ain't going to cut it and I'd be wasting my time, and yours, if I didn't tell it like I live it. Honesty is the best policy and much like Pinocio, lies just grow like a wooden nose. Maybe I threw away money ($60 - wow) but someone out there might understand how it's just right to be truthful.”
I appreciate his honesty, but feel sorry for the woman who is so desperate for male companionship that she will give up any excitement, care, adventure, and decent health just to be in the presence of a male body. I don't know if this guy wants sex, someone to smoke with, or someone to wipe off the couch after he farts and drools and eats Campbell's tomato soup out of a can, but I can't see him getting too many dates out of this profile.
On the other hand, I think this older guy is the role model for this younger one:
"hy im michael by the way im 20 and im i just want a friend in my life most people reject me all the time and dont give me a chance to be my friend or understand me at all so im looking for a older waomon to be my freind and understand me im here for freinds only nothing serious at all so understand that im not here to hurt anyone just friends only i like rock music and i like to play guitar and my life is muisc so let me know if you want to share that kind of topic with me and another my mother left me when i was 2 and it broke my heart and ever sence i liked older woamon and not younger woamon beacause i trut older more than younger so hope you get back to me soon and have a nice day michael"
Is honesty the best policy for online dating? I can see it now, like some movie starring Will Ferrell. Hey, now that’s an idea – wonder if I could turn this LOL thing into a screenplay?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
