Without Apology

My roommate tells me I’ve grown a penis. I’ve gotten balls of late. I was out on another first meetup with a congenial and successful man in his 50s who, sadly, wouldn’t stop talking. Yes, it was in theory a discussion about one of my great passions, rock climbing, but it was all about his climbing, and it was not a discussion after all. I was a captive audience.

After allowing him the courtesy of not interrupting for 20 minutes — while I plotted my escape — I dramatically placed the cap back on my bottle of Crystal Geyser, put my palms on the table and stood up, saying, “This is not a conversation. I am leaving. This is not working for me.”

My date was stunned; he thought we were talking about something I was interested in. He didn’t realize that he was talking only about himself. Not only was he not providing an opening for comments, he wasn’t interested in my comments, my experiences, or anything else about me. I kept trying to interject and join the conversation, but he talked over me, effectively silencing me into some kind of submission wherein he could feel safe and in control of the situation.

Not gonna happen. When I returned home I sent him an email suggesting that for his next meetup with a woman, let her talk. Take an interest in her stories, ask her questions, respond to her answers. Let there be an exchange rather than holding her a prisoner to bloviating. A monologue of chatter only shuts her up and out. How can a guy expect that a woman who doesn't know him wants to just sit silently, smiling and being agreeable? I could have just placed a Barbie doll on my seat.

Guys: Talking at a woman, especially talking down to a woman, suggests you believe she is less intelligent and less experienced than you. This garrulous pattern seems pandemic among men at midlife who need to be heard, comforted, listened to — and not threatened by a woman’s intelligence, independence, and power. If this is true, there are going to be a lot of single older men because women today simply will not put up with being shut down. It’s disempowering, and by our 50s, we’ve had enough.

What seems difficult for a woman even when she feels and sees what’s going on, however, is to speak up — to say, for example, “I’ve had enough” or “This date is over, it isn’t good for me” or “You’re not hearing me.” To interrupt, to end what was begun, to call a man out on his self-absorbed behaviors, to get up and walk away may be against our conditioning.

It isn’t, however, against our nature. This voice crying out to be heard is not the aggressive bi-yatch who rakes men for every evil thing they’ve ever done to women. No, this is a subtle but more powerful, impersonal voice. It’s a natural force, a wild feminine instinct that knows what she wants and needs and that lives life without apology. This is a woman’s foundational energy, a power that esteems itself in delicious self-awareness.

This is the voice that chooses life and self-worth over accommodation and polite behaviors. When this force becomes an integrated part of a woman, it provides a sense of balance and peace and joy that no man can put asunder. It is the substance of a woman’s confidence and strength, the point of power that is part of a woman’s seed DNA. Then a woman lives her own life fully, authentically, vitally.

Without apology.